During these past couple of weeks, the winter holidays have allowed me some form of peace. As the days meander along, I've found an interesting thing about myself. Perhaps I only acknowledge it on subliminal level... which is why I don't really perceive that I'm actually doing it most of the time.

On a minimalistic level, I am quite aware of the fact that I like pondering random tidbits of information. By nature, I believe I am a reflective person. I like to think things through... almost to a painstaking degree. And herein this can be a rather menial task for some, I find it comparatively invigorating. I will ponder the darkening sky, the sullen clouds, the relatively crude nature of human civilization, or maybe even [if I don't mind the oncoming migraine] the questionable subsistence of actuality. What purpose do we as humans have? Are we 'real' in the sense that we a material beings or are we figments of one's overly animated imagination? It is so easy to lose yourself in thought. quixotic

These little ruminations of allusive conjecture that would otherwise be deemed inappropriate for colloquial speech are quite enticing for the curious and philosophical mind. However, lovely as these thoughts may be, I'm not so inclined to think on such... abstract conceptions all the time. Although it is by complete contingency that I may stumble upon any such ideal on any give day. I love to think and ponder, to brood over the all the many questions life may pose. Nonetheless, not everybody likes to think. That's not to say that everybody does not conclusively, come up with some form of thought. This is just to say that not everybody likes the thought of... well, thinking. A difficult set of words there, it even confuses me. Alas, I'll give an example.

Little Johnny sits on a set of swings alone. He is not without friends, no, far from the possibility; he simply prefers to, at this particular moment, be without the constraints of the noisy community. Little Johnny is thinking, as he likes to from time to time.

Elsewhere, Little Suzy dwells. She climbs atop the jungle gym and swings merrily along with a pleasant group on companions. Little Suzy is having a gay old time.

Now Little Suzy IS thinking. The difference between her and Little Johnny is that Little Johnny is actively enjoying a time of silent musing while Little Suzy is thinking but on a subconscious level. She is not stopping to mull over her next words to her rambunctious friends, nor is she stopping to think... "I will put my hand on this bar and then I will swing my foot forward therefore I will have momentum to reach the next bar thereafter." Suffice to say, if Little Suzy had the vocabulary to casually use 'momentum' then I would afraid. Of course, this is an example, of which is now over.

I will conclude this piece of writing with a piece thought that I came up with some time ago. For lack of inspiration, this particular work is entitled Polarized Divinity. Enjoy if you will.

I have vaguely observed the world spin
It’s axis leaning and tilting to various degrees
Barren lies and forsaken promises
Come to stand on the desolate land
Our calloused hands let the whirlwinds of sand
Drift off like millions of precious lives

Beyond the devastation of depressive tyranny

Lies the moon reflected in passionless water
Listen to the teardrops illuminated not by pain
But by the sorrow of time gone by
Miserable agony of undeniable growth
Are shown purely through the hearts desire of need
Let these dreams guide my feet
For eternal damnation is a notion
That is blank in the cavity of thought

-Epoch [z]

p.s. Have you noticed the word confuzzled? Yes, well, I was thinking about it and I believe it stems from two words. Confused + Puzzled= Confuzzled


My Limitations

I am very well aware of the fact that I haven't posted in quite some time. A couple of months to be exact. I wonder if I have any of my old readers...

Anyway, I haven't got much to say and right now, I don't particularly care who is (or isn't) reading this. I just want to vent.

Have you ever felt that it's just to much? You're expected to meet everyones' expectations. Do great in school, have an outstanding golf career, be mature, be responsible, do every little thing that everyone tells you and don't make any arguments against their will. I haven't been a kid in a very long time and I so wish I wouldn't have missed out on the childhood experience. Though... I am, to some degree, still a child. Or perhaps a kid would be a better term?

I am experiencing an extreme lack of motivation to do anything. School, golf, writing, and drawing; they are all suffering because I can't get my act together. The fact of the matter is that life doesn't slow down to accomadate you (or me). It keeps on moving despite all the hardships. Various times I have deemed myself a complete and utter failure. Whether this statement is truthful or not is yet to be determined. I'm burned out... I just can't do it anymore. Seriously, physically, I'm drained. I can barely stay awake at any particular time of the day and emotionally, let's not even go there. I can't just stop going to school though, I can't stop practicing my golf... I just can't stop doing what I do because I'm not entitled to the luxury.

I'm worried. I'm only a sophomore in high school but college is coming up fast. What if I don't make it? What if I disappoint my parents? What if all the money they put into me was a waste? I can't say I harbor any particular feelings for my parents. They are acceptable but flawed as all people are... as I am. I need an enzyme to stimulate a reaction in my life. I'm stuck in one point... one dimension and I'm not moving forward. Everything is going in slow motion. Let me hit the fast forward button so I don't have to feel like this anymore.

~Epoch [z]

p.s. Happy Holidays


Atypical Theology

I am a person that some people do not like. I am a person that my family looks down upon. To you I will say that I am, simply speaking, an atheist. I worship no god... no supreme being. My views on ethical and moral situations perhaps reflect in the way I see things. I will not treat people with religious beliefs with a holier-than-thou attitude because why should I? What have I got that you haven't? Knowledge? Wisdom? You better know damn well sure that isn't true. Who am I to tell you (or anybody for that matter) what to believe in? I haven't got the right to blatantly disrespect whatever supreme being you pay homage to.

In these respects, I think I'm weird. I will fight with no religious man or woman. I will not say that you are wrong to believe in what you do. Why? Well... I don't know. I just don't feel as if you are wrong in anyway to believe in God or whom/whatever you should happen to worship. For all it's worth, I'm an ignorant twit that hasn't got a clue what going on in this macrocosm let alone what's happening when it comes to otherworldly deeds.

Now, there is a reason why I am not like my family in being a Christian. For one, I've never seemed to be able to grasp whatever concept is being introduced by the bible. To me, it's nothing but a tale lined with truths and fictions that have been exploited and hidden throughout history. I've always been ashamed of this thought, after all, my family hasn't got the slightest clue that I do not believe in God. Dear me... I'll have to inform them sometime this century. Anyway, I've never liked their ways. To go to church one day and repent for all sins committed and then go talking and raving about people behind their backs in the same afternoon is not exactly what I call good habits. They are not... bad people; in a sense, we are all flawed. Just the hypocritical behavior that they necessitate on a day to day basis is a bit tiresome to deal with.

In the wake of this new tidbit of evidence I'd like to state that I believe in the Big Bang Theory as much as I believe in God. I mean no contempt by that statement by the way. To be brutally honest, I don't know what to believe in. There is this bogus, half-assed theory on how the world came to be out of nothing (how can something come from nothing?), and the idea of the creationist. I'm more inclined to stick with the bible. It's much more interesting in my opinion anyway. Ugh... anyway, there's wasn't much of a point to this except to tell you where I am on a religious stand point. I'd also like to ask that you please not get into a debate with me over this topic... there are to many religions, to many theories and to many ideas for me to accept any one thing someone tries to shove in my smartass head.

~Epoch [z]

p.s. Sorry, I cussed uh... three times in there. But what can I say, my thoughts aren't mild. I'm going straight from brain to paper here. So you're gonna get a spicy bean burrito with diablo sauce on top.

p.s.s Ehm... right, almost forgot. This post is the last before school starts. I just thought I get this last thing out before I go take a nap and forget. So, there you have it. This was also posted because I recently came across Livingsword's blogs Creation of the Blade and Life on the Blade.


Chronicles of a Mindless Hack

It's seems I haven't been on much. I've blogged fleetingly, but I'm a bit busy lately. Sorry for my sparse presence. Formerly, I was on vacation and then I had a few tournaments in which to participate. Nothing of any particular importance in my opinion.

Perhaps you remember my post on my little bitty problem? Yes... well, it has been confirmed and I have been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Thanks to many of you for encouraging me through that, I might have had a mental breakdown had I not got my head together. Your down to earth advice helped a lot. Treatment wise, I'm not on medication. I've opted to completely revamp my diet to accomodate my condition. I'll be fine, or so the doctor says, but I've got to be careful.

Hmm... one last thing. I won't be blogging much... I will comment and read as much as I can but posts will be sparse. School is starting for me and that is my number one priority. When I do post, be sure to know that they will be serious... very few will have anything to do with 'not overly serious crap'.

~Epoch [z]

p.s. See ya around!


Restriction to Liberation

It has recently come to my attention that the Bush Administration has put out a new [executive] order. The secretary of treasury has been given the affirmative to "seize the property of any person who undermines efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq." Read here. As it is, I have yet to see any U.S. papers report (or comment) on this; as can be said for the U.S. news as well.

... what can I say? In today's day and age, we try to enforce many different aspects of our constitution. But, in the process, we lose many of the freedoms granted to us through these means. The fact that the American people do nothing to stop these injustices does not make it any better. I do not know how many liberations we shall lose before enough step up...

Now, I'd venture to say that some of my readers might disagree with me. Of course, opinions are your own but I might try to sway you :) Our government is not exactly 'nice' per se. They can be unpredictable (and most definitely corrupt in some cases), so at a single sign of protest, you could be out on the streets or unwillingly accepting charity from a close family member. I'm sorry to say that I don't trust the American sovereignty. Being as that is, I get the feeling that those that do rebel against the war (no matter how much or how little) will be hounded by governmental officials.
I always thought to say that America is going to the dogs on a silver platter....

~Epoch [z]

p.s. I've gotten a blood test... results shall be in soon.


Times of Torment

Well... looks like this post, like my last, will have no reflection on my thoughts. It seems that I'm showing various symptoms related to diabetes. Unfortunately, my family has a long history of diabetes. My cousin having been diagnosed only a few years ago. As well as this, my grandma and a few of my aunts have this disease as well. I suppose I'll be informing my mother because it's begun to get out of hand. I believe it's time I see a doctor and spoke to him/her about my suspicions. Hopefully though, it stays just that, a suspicion. I really haven't got a desire to stick myself with a needle various times a day (although I don't suppose anyone does). I'll admit I'm kind of scared. As I can see, these are the symptoms that have decided to make themselves known.

-Frequent Urination
-Odd Aches and Pains
-Vaginal Yeast Infection (<--- that would be the big tip off I'm thinking. From what I've read, I have one, and have had them for the past year or so)
-Irritability (generally I'm very mellow)
-Tingling in the feet (from what I've read, it sound similar to the numbness felt when the foot or hands 'fall asleep'. This happens to my foot and/or feet various times a day)
-Cramping (despite the fact that I'm not on my period or PMSing)

I'll be truthful with you and say that I'm kind of scared. I'm tired of having to constantly go to the bathroom, I'm tired of snapping at my family because I can't seem to get in a good mood, I'm tired of waking up and experiences queer little pains that stem from nothing throughout the day, I'm tired of having to put ice on my foot (or feet) just because it 'feel asleep' for the 5th time today, I'm tired of being pissy because of goddamned cramps when I'm not even on my period, but most of all I'm scared shitless when I wake up and feel that another bump (or boil, or wart, whatever you call it) has shown up in my vaginal area. Gods they hurt like hell. I know it's not genital herpes, I've never had sex. Intercourse, oral, or otherwise. For goodness sake, I've never even kissed a boy. I'm scared, scared, scared. Frightened, whatever. I'm hoping upon every hope that I'm just being paranoid, but the truth is, I've got to face reality. Everything is going against me. Family history, the symptoms. All I need is the doctor to verify the situation. I don't intend on dropping dead so I think I'll take a visit to the doc before I hit the body bag.

~Epoch [z]



It appears that I have been tagged by a fellow blogger. I'll try this thing, but first, here's the rules (which apparently, you have to put before you first tidbit of info).

The Rules: "Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people and then visits those peoples' sites and comments letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do."

I think that I really haven't told anything about me since I started this blog. Just my thoughts and such. They are in no real order, just as they came to mind. Now, let's delve into my secret passions.

1) I am African American- It's one thing I've neglected to tell my readers just because of the reaction I get sometimes when people find out about my race.

2) I love to dance- I dance to any kind of music... anytime and everywhere. I especially like hip hop and r&b.

3)Singing... I wasn't created to do such a thing. I'd venture to say if my voice get's any worse (is it even possible?) the people of Earth are going to have to go and inhabit a new planet.

4)Art is something I've always been passionate about. Drawing and writing and even just looking and commenting on other pieces is something I do all the time. Here's a little something I sketched up and scanned a while ago.
5)I'm deathly afraid of crickets... they have always been evil disgusting creatures that make annoying noises.

6)I'm very anal retentive. It's a milder form of OCD. Sometimes, things just have to be perfect with me. My mom get embarrassed when we go to the store and I start rearranging boxes of cereal or putting things in there right place. This also pertains to restaurants in which I can't help but be excessively neat in the way my table setting is.

Yes, it bothers the crap outta me

7)I'm not good at talking to people. In my elementary days I was bullied so I kind of receded into myself during middle school. I had friends but didn't talk much. Now, going into my sophomore year of high school, it's becoming easier but I'm still pretty quiet.

8)I am the most sarcastic person you'll ever meet. Seriously, here on blogger I tone it down to pretty much nothing but everywhere I else... I'm a beast.

Okie dokie, there's that for you. Now for the 8 people. This'll be hard, I don't think I watch that many people :P

1)First is Graham. I cheated I know, he already did one :P

2)Next is Somegirl. Just because she is one of the wittiest (although she prefers slightly neurotic) writers I know.

3)And Hannah. Man, I love the name of this girls blog. Not to mention this could be interesting.

JILL SMOLINSKI. I dunno know if she will do it, but it could be interesting.

5)Paper Fan Club. Another one of those iffy ones, but she's got a great blog.

6)-Spaceman Spiff-. Wow, I've only read him recently, but his posts have got me hooked. Reminds me of The Dude... connection?

7)J.L. Murphy, doubt she'll do it either but I gotta put someone on the list.

8)Rizzo, hasn't posted in quite sometime. Perhaps...

Whew, there we go. A little about me.